I am an expert in long distance relationship. So far I had three serious ones: Berlin – Münster, Berlin – Göttingen and Berlin / Hamburg – Dortmund. They were good, great even. I believe the scale to measure a relationship is how the two in the relationship fulfil each other. Mentally, intellectually and sexually. The big minus of going long distance is the difficulty to get that physical presence when you want it. I love to cuddle, I want it everyday. Unfortunately it wasn’t an option in a long distance love story.
My partner and I have always had a good mental, intellectual and physical balance. I see myself as a very complicated person who has a weird taste and freakin sometimes unreasonable high standards. So getting the one who can understand my weirdness was always worth the train or plane ride. Nevertheless, I said to myself that I am done. Done with the distance, done with missing someone. Done.
I know Mo since early 2015, I was with my other boyfriend (another M, yes I tend to collect em) from Dortmund that time and he was with his girlfriend. The one factor which make someone very appealing to me is their talent. If they really, I mean really good at something. One of the best in their field. University, job, sports or whatever. Be passionate about it and make the best of yourself. It will make you so attractive. Mo is very passionate about law. Not because he wants to earn a lot of money. But cause he sees it as something logical. He explains that law is logical like math but yet flexible like a language. You can see both sides of the coins he said and then he analysed some crazy intellectual stuffs. Yes, I thought he was very sexy as he did it. And as he got many job offer because of his outta this world excellent grade I was a hell one proud little girl.
We have been going out for couple months now. He is going to accept one of the job offers he got and maybe move to another city. So it was getting confused. “I know that we are not officially dating. But we actually kinda are since one year. Even though you were with another person until February, May, June or November or whatever when it officially ended. Uhh, and. I think we are, well at least I am in the stage where we can arrange something serious. I mean, I wanna be where you are if you can commit to me. Like move in together after some time and stuff. Be together. For real. I don’t like seeing you date some guy just for the sake of dating. I think you have to stop and pursue what you actually want,” he uttered.
I called my two friends for emergency sessions.
They told me I was nuts to let him go.
I understand their arguments. I mean, I am 24 now, I don’t want to have kids or be married tomorrow but having a long term relationship might be kinda nice. I mean I am not 18 or 21. Dating is a tat bit more that eating ice cream and go to a movie once in a while; the physical contact would then be the cherry on top or for some the purpose of the relationship.
After thinking about this over and over for the past nights (I actually could not sleep for weeks). I told Mo I cannot give him what he wants. He should pursue his career and choose one of the six figures jobs and move somewhere he would feel comfortable with. When two persons are meant to be together, they will find each other anyway.
He didn’t really understand my point. He still doesn’t.
Yesterday I injured myself. A friend of Mo who is a doctor examined me; she ask about my relationship with Mo and why I still want to date someone else when Mo actually, in her opinion, the best option there is. She said that it took great courage for someone to tell me that. And this kinda rare gesture of man would not come twice (in her opinion maybe 0-10 % of men out there actually would want to commit). She said sometime in the future I would want what he offers me anyway. Then it would be too late. He would make some girl really happy. And I will cry alone because some guy treat me poorly. Because sometime in the future I would want a serious relationship and the one man I am with doesn’t.
I swear I have never ben so scared in my life. I don’t even think that someone can scare me that much. Her words are echoing in my head like crazy.
I told Mo today that I am not ready. That he should, like he always is, make the best of himself and go wherever he wants. After arguing on the past weeks, we eventually agree to disagree and go our own way.
Then I cried. I have not cried for a long time. Have always been trying to be strong and so on.
I don’t want to buy a ticket to visit my boyfriend anymore. I hope there will be someone here who brings flowers when he picks me up at the airport or comes to visit me when I cannot sleep like Mo did last time. Someone who treats me well. Someone to whom I can offer myself as it is. Someone who gets the best of me.
Or I just have fun and date some immature boy; a complete opposite of Mo. Sorta be a slut. Relationship what?
Or maybe I am gonna regret this decision for the rest of my life.